Pursued

I deserve to be pursued.

If you’re like me then you will understand the art of useless chasing. What do I mean by this?

Since I can remember I have always had crushes on boys that don’t like me back. This isn’t a “woe is me” moment, its just a fact.

Have you ever noticed that when people talk about girls liking boys they say that they “chase” after them, but when they talk about boys liking girls, then its they “pursue” them. I chased boys, uselessly.

I remember when I was a freshman in high school I fell in love with this boy, he was a sophomore and he was the lead in the play. He was so dreamy and had no idea who I was. I remember figuring out his class schedule and taking the long way to class just to walk passed him, to get a glimpse. I had this whole dream that one day he was going to just see me and notice my breath-taking beauty.

That never happened and I’m still not sure if he knows who I am… we are facebook friends though, so maybe there’s still hope ;)

The point of me saying all this is because for as long as I can remember I have done all the chasing. Once I’ve decided that I liked someone I would do everything in my power to be in the room with that person, to talk to that person, to share every piece of my soul with that person.

I was talking to my best friend today and she said in her simple words, “Kait, you deserve to be pursued”. After finishing our conversation, I sat on those words for while. I deserve to be pursued? What does being pursued even mean?

Then I realized that I’ve been so hung up on all my stupid little crushes that I haven’t even taken the time to just slow down, smell the roses, and see what comes my way. I haven’t let myself be pursued… even though really, I don’t think I have been… but maybe I’ve been completely blind to it too.

I think a lot of girls think they need to keep moving, to keep being what they think guys want and need. I know I feel that way sometimes, but really, I think we just need to chill out and grow comfortable with ourselves and our relationship with Christ.

When I was talking to my friend, she also mentioned that God is preparing us to be our best in him. Right now, I don’t think I am my best in him. I want who ever ends up pursuing me to pursue me because I am closer to being best in Christ, not because he sees an idea of what I can be.

Another thing is that I’m already pursued by the most important pursuer, and that is Jesus Christ. The thing I need to do now, is accept his pursuing and find joy and delight in Him. I don’t think I can enter into anything while I’m avoiding God or distracted from him.

So I guess the thing I need above all is to continue to ask God to pursue me, to encompass me with His love, and to fill me with His joy.

There is contentment and peace in Christ.

"All By Myself"

Do you remember those moments when you were a little kid and you would try to get dressed in the morning? Then your mom comes into the room and tries to help you, but you tug away and yell, “No Mom, I can do it all by myself!” She then gently backs off and lets you struggle through it. This leads to a tangled mess where your left arm is in the head of your shirt and your head is stuck in a sleeve, and now you can’t see anything. After much consternation and frustration you give into your pride and yell again, but not the way you did a few moments before. It’s a plea, “MOOOOOMMMMM, I’m stuck!”

Mom then comes into the room and graciously, without saying a word, helps you put your clothes on.

I think that my relationship with God is a lot like this. I tend to think I know how to do things and I start doing them on my own, thinking that I don’t need God. And then I get tangled in my clothes and I’m pleading for God to get me out!

The beauty of this is that God never leaves us. I wrote half a song about 2 years ago that I have yet to finish, but here are a few lyrics that I constantly try to sing in my head…

I’m gone again

running from your presence

I’m gone again

but your present in my absence

Cuz you love me still

when I’ve gone against your will

when I’ve spit upon your face

you still cover me with grace

you love me still

Take it or leave it… those may be super cheesy lyrics, but they’re a good reminder for me that while I may be wanting to do things “all by myself,” God pursues me. He loves me still, and in the end, I’m able to surrender myself to Him because of His never-ending love.

I know that it’s not really that easy. Sometimes giving into God is like pulling teeth, or much worse. The Fray has a song called "All at Once" and one of the lines is "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same". Its kind of like its easier to just pass God off and not care about what's right and wrong. But "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same". 


I don't think being a Christian means life is going to be breezy.
Sometimes God’s will isn’t what we want in life. It’s not that God doesn’t want us to be happy; it’s just that he knows what’s best for us. Sometimes we need the trials to become who God has called us to be. Just like when we were little kids our moms wanted us to be well dressed, God wants us to be well dressed, but for greater things... To further his kingdom on earth!

And yet, God still lets us make our own decisions. Isn’t that cool?!? He is a loving and trusting God!

So next time you think to yourself, “I’m going to do this all by myself!” Think again my friend, you’re not, you’re going to do it with God, even if you don’t know it yet!

It's A Wonderful Life? I Think So...

So it’s been a while since I’ve blogged lately... I just haven’t had much to say these last few weeks, until now of course.

Last night was Christmas Eve, and our family tradition is to always watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” in our PJ’s, while we drink wassail and eat snacks. It’s probably one of my favorite moments over the Christmas holiday.

While I was watching the movie though, I couldn’t help but relate to the character of George Bailey. He’s the protagonist who, by three-quarters of the movie, comes to think and believe that He is a failure and is insignificant… so he comes to the conclusion that he wishes he’d never been born.

I wouldn’t go so far to say or think those things. He went a bit extreme and fairly quickly if you ask me. But I think we all have those moments when we really wonder if we really are leaving some kind of imprint on the world. Do people really care about us, are we missed when we’re not around, do we actually make a difference? And then sometimes we come to the conclusion, “no”.

Now I know this isn’t true, but these thoughts creep into our minds sometimes, consuming every part of us. Do we matter? Of course we do! Somehow we do. I’m not sure.

But here’s the thing, none of these thoughts really do us any good. I find that when I get into these ruts of doubting my worth, I start throwing pity parties for myself and no one really wants to be my friend then. It’s a dangerous cycle that does no one any good.

Take George Bailey for instance. When he makes this conclusion about not being worth anyone’s time, he takes it out on the people he cares for most, stemming them to be extremely worried for him and stressed out. In the end of the movie when his guardian angel Clarence convinces him that he is important, he is able to celebrate along with his family and friends.

I don’t want to say that its quite that black and white (no pun intended… but it kind of was, wasn’t it, otherwise I wouldn’t have said that ;)… Our minds our complicated places and other people are complicated too. It’s hard to really feel valued in our very self-involved culture. But don’t you think that if you try to show love to others, maybe they can pass it on and then maybe we can all somehow, slowly, overcome this self-doubt we have.

Even if we don’t make a visible difference, we can take pride in the fact that we tried to brighten someone’s day in a small way.

I don’t know, does any of this make sense? or am I just rambling about some mumbo-jumbo.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you want to feel fulfilled, choose love above all. If you consider yourself a follower of Christ, you know that this is what God has called us to do; it is a way that we can continue to bring Heaven to earth.

Merry Christmas everyone!

The Joy I Have To Give

When I asked my parents why they named me Kaitlyn, they said it was because they liked it. I was so disappointed at their answer because I wanted my name to be something different, out of the box. If you didn’t know, Kaitlyn is one of the most common names in my generation. But after looking up my name on Wikipedia, I found that my name means “Pure”. My middle name is Joy… So my name means “Pure Joy”.

You don’t know how much finding this out moved me. Let me indulge you a little bit…

There was this guy that I knew last year who I don’t think I’ve ever seen smile. Every time I would see him, he would just be so dreary and say something in a dry tone, like “this day sucks”. When I meet people like this, I seriously wonder if they know the love of Christ.

I don’t want to say that you can’t be sad if you are a Christian, in fact, I think in our sadness we can be brought closer to God. But the way this guy lived his life, it was like there was no hope. Everything was dark and gloomy, and there was always something bad going on in the world. I ended up making it my goal to get him to smile. I would be so sweet to him, always complimenting his clothes or noticing if he got a haircut. Eventually, one day he said one thing to me… “Kait, I like your hair”. I felt like I had conquered the world that day!

When I was in high school I had a job as a waitress at our local diner. I loved that job because grouchy old people came there to eat. I made it my personal mission to put a smile on their face. I got pretty good at it too! I’d joke around with them or tell them a funny story, unless I could tell that they just wanted to be left alone. But really I think everyone needs a little pick-me-up here or there.

Above all, I think everyone needs to know that they are valued and loved. I’m a Christian, and I have a joy and a hope in me that only God can give to me. He completes me in every way I could ever ask for, and because of that, I want to share his love with the world. I want everyone I encounter, to see Christ in me.

That’s why I always make it my goal to make people smile. I don’t always succeed, but if I can brighten someone’s day, then I’m following my purpose on this earth.

For the longest time, I thought my identity was in what I did, which was sing… I was a singer. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown to realize that “Singer” doesn’t even come close to what my purpose in life is. In fact, I don’t even know if music is going to be something that I will be doing much longer. What I do know is that my sole purpose and identity is “Disciple of Jesus Christ”. As long as I’m pursuing that, then I am fulfilling my part in bringing the Kingdom here to earth.

At the end of the day, I want to share the Pure Joy that I have, and give it to others.

Its amazing how, without knowing, I’ve started to fall into the identity of my name. Isn’t God cool?!? So the gift I have to offer is whatever joy I can give to others. 

Grumpy Gills

A few weeks ago I realized that I complain a lot. I’m not talking about little comments here or there, I mean the kind of complaining where every word that comes out of my mouth is a negative thought. No one really confronted me about the attitude I had but I could tell that I was getting on a lot of peoples nerves. So one day, I decided no more. 

On my facebook page I started a count down to Thanksgiving, and everyday I’m posting something I’m thankful for. Its had quite a good effect. It really makes me think about all the good things going on in my life these days, and there are a lot of good things. I’m just realizing more and more, how much complaining really affects my mood and the moods of others around me.

And lets be honest with ourselves, who actually wants to hear someone complain about the world… No one. I mean there are the occasional ventings we need to discuss. But really other than that, people just don’t care about the negatives.

There’s this girl in one of my classes. She’s the reason why I decided I needed to change. Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever met a more stressful person. I don’t think she’s ever had a good thing to say about anything. She normally tells the world how stressed she is with school and how no one else understands her situation. I seriously laugh when she says this, because she’s saying it to a room full of college students who are music majors (music majors are considered to be one of the busiest majors in the collegiate world).

Empathy is one of my strengths (according to the strengths finder test), so you would think that I would totally feel for this girl. But the thing is that she just wants the world to feel sorry for her, and the truth is, complaining makes people more apathetic than anything else. This is why I know I need to just buck up and get over my little pet peeves and complaints about stupid things, because that doesn’t bring joy to people.

I’m a joyful person when you first meet me, but when you finally sit down and have an actual conversation with me, you figure out that I lack a lot of joy in some areas. I don’t ever want to be fake, but I think as a follower of Christ I’m supposed to do whatever I’m doing with Joy, even if its something I hate.

So in with the joyful happy Kait and out with the annoying grumpy gills Kait… this is going to be fun…

much love to all!

Inspired

I go to a school that has some of the most talented individuals in the world. You may think I’m joking, but I’m not. I’m a singer and I go to school for music. Before college, I thought I was God’s gift to man… I don’t think that anymore. Lets talk about this for a moment.

A few days ago I was honored and blessed to see my friend Kristen Wright perform a song she had written called “Quitter”. In all my years of college, and maybe even life for that matter, I don’t think I’ve ever been so moved by a song and performance.

Chris Martin (lead singer of Coldplay) said in an interview recently, that when he heard Adele’s song “Someone Like You” he was pissed because he didn’t write it. That’s kind of how I feel about Kristen’s song… Seriously, it is AMAZING and anyone who is a songwriter would feel the same way. Kristen is an inspiration, a prophet in her own right, and God has blessed her with an incredible journey to be able to write a song that has and will touch so many people!

I think of other friends that I have. Erin Berry, who is so stylish and laid back you just want to chill out with her while she sings to you, she grooves like no one else I know. Ariel McFall rocks singing classically and commercially, she has the voice of an angel. Matt Wright, who is so poetic with words and music, he brings you to tears, (the good kind) and lifts your spirit. Leslie Eiler who is such a rocker, she makes you want to rock with her. Chris Rayis, who plays musical theatre tunes like no body’s business and will write a Tony award winning musical for sure! Jordan Wright, who is so believable as a performer that you lose yourself in the song that he’s singing and forget who you are in that moment.

I could go on and on about all the talent I get to witness everyday. I am seriously the luckiest person in the world and I bless God for the inspiration that I receive from my talented friends.

Thank you again for taking the time to read this! You are a blessing to me!

Scars

We all have scars. I’m not talking about the visible ones, although, I’ve got a really cool scar on my tongue from a car accident that happened when I was five. But that’s beside the point.

Girls are mean. I’m guilty of that all of the time, so lets not think that I am an innocent little dove here. But I remember so many moments that have, in some ways, made me over-analyze and distrust my current friendships way too much.

I don’t really remember too many specifics from my elementary and middle-school years, but I remember the one girl who was the bane of my existence. Lets call this girl Stacie. It started in 3^rd grade when we each wanted to have the same best friend. We’ll call our “best friend,” Abby. The problem we had was that Stacie and I hated each other and poor Abby had to choose. Eventually Abby chose Stacie, and I was alone. As middle-school came into play, Stacie would go on to tell me how terrible of a person I was and how I had so many things wrong with me. She went on to spread the word to anyone who would listen... this resulted in several girls tell me that I was not fun to be around. In their defense, I wasn’t fun to be around. I cried all the time; I was loud, spastic, annoying, bossy and very opinionated. I wouldn’t like me either.

When I got to high school I thought that my life would change and that I would finally be able to make friends that would actually like me. That did happen and I can honestly say that my closest relationships are with my high school friends, but I didn’t go through high school unscathed.

Let me take you to my sophomore year. I had made our elite show choir (which is a big deal for a sophomore) and we were giving a performance in chapel one morning. I went to a Christian school, so there was a dress code that we had to follow, which meant that girls weren’t allowed to show their midriff. Unfortunately for me, I had a costume malfunction during one of the numbers and my stomach was showing just a little bit. During lunch that day a guy in my class made a petition for students to sign for me to get a zero-hour (detention). Lets just say that several people signed it. With that said though, my best friend was pissed (sorry for the language, but it’s really the best way to describe her fury), and she walked right up to the guy who started the petition, ripped it from his hands, and said something that I cannot repeat. So while that moment was one of the more scarring moments of my high school career, it was also the most touching. I had a friend that stood up for me!

But lets not think about my best friend for a moment and think about where these memories that are etched in my mind have gotten me now.

I don’t like to blame other people for my problems, because I believe that ultimately, we are responsible for ourselves. But there is a part of me that wonders if the hurts I faced as an adolescent have affected the way I approach the world today. This is what I think:

I have this problem; I don’t trust people. I don’t mean it in a way where I can’t share anything with people, heck, I’m sharing my thoughts with random strangers who are reading this blog. It’s more that I don’t trust people to like me. I’ve found that I always apologize for myself, regardless of what I’ve done or if I’ve done anything at all. I automatically assume that people would prefer to do something else than hang out with me. I wonder if I’m inconveniencing them by being in their presence. I worry so much about what other people prefer or want or need and if I’m in the way of their happiness, I don’t want to intrude. I have to work so hard to convince myself that I actually am an enjoyable person with value.

With that said, surprisingly enough, I’m thankful for the challenges, and I’m thankful that God let me to be one of the kids that was subject to teasing. I think it’s made me stronger and has softened me in a way that I can accept so many people. Because of my shallow school trials, I’m able to really ask the question; “what makes you, you?” and mean it.

Everyone has gone through some form of trial, whether its big or small, and we all carry these scars with us that have helped shape us into who we are today and who we will become.

I think I’ve come the realization though, that now is not the time to hold on to the past. Now I’m responsible to move forward, realize that I’m great in my own way, and love myself. Then I can love others the way they need to be loved. That’s probably a lot harder said than done, but I’ve gotta start somewhere.

Anyway spread the love people! I really do love you oh so much!