Our "ever silent" God

Sometimes I have these conversations with God. They go something like this:

“God, what you want from me?”

No answer

“God, seriously I’m trying to listen, what you want from me… what do you want me to do?"

Again, no answer.

These moments are frustrating because we feel like we are praying to the ever silent, invisible God. Then we find ourselves questioning and debating his very existence.

But know this my friends. God is always around, and even though we may not see, feel or hear Him, He is working.

Tonight I had a conversation with my friend Dinah, she is an incredible young woman who fears the Lord, and He spoke through her. It doesn’t matter what our conversation was about, but it matters that I saw my King in her, and that is beautiful.

I think sometimes we forget that God is in all things. He speaks in the most unexpected places and works through His faithful servants, and even the unfaithful. We try to define how God communicates, but we can just never know. God is God and that is that.

How beautiful is that, our indefinable God. So next time you feel like God isn’t there, just try to see Him in the small places, see how He works in those around you, look for encouraging words on walls, accept good thoughts that come into your head. God is there, He is in all things.

                       

Waiting For What?

I think a lot of people my age are playing this stupid little waiting game. What I mean by this is that so many of us have this mentality of waiting for our lives to start. We’re waiting to fall in love, waiting to get answers on our dream jobs, waiting to arrive in our relationship with Christ.

Incase you may need a reality check, our lives started well before we were even born, but for our little pea brains, we’ll just say that our lives started when we entered into the physical world.

So lets stop waiting and start living! We always think about our future and what it will be like then, instead of what it’s like now. We are waiting for tomorrow to happen! I’m not saying that we need to completely throw planning ahead out of the window. But why can’t we just live in today.

A lot of girls do this thing when they just start a relationship, or even when they’re in a puppy-love crush state with a guy. They imagine what their life will be like with this guy when they settle down and get married. First, they have no idea where this relationship is going and shouldn’t plan a marriage until a ring is on the finger. This is so unwise, it creates expectations of tomorrow that may never be. We idealize about the future, we always think that it will be better than today.

You can never know. In your lowest of lows and highest of highs, you don’t know what trials and joys are to come. Rejoice in every moment, the good bad and the ugly.

This may be some kind of rant that has been all over the place. But I’m tired for myself. Waiting… waiting for what? Things will happen when God wants them to, I am in no hurry, I don’t think God wants us to sit on our butts and complain about the things that are currently not happening for us. We have a responsibility to live for him in EVERY moment whether we feel we are in a good or bad place. He will be used and glorified.

What I’m trying to say is that in your waiting, do not complain, don’t be stagnant, and don’t hope for things to just happen. Waiting involves prayer, trust in God’s plan, and service to Him. But I can’t believe that we are meant to just sit and wait.

Continue to bring Christ’s Kingdom to earth in every moment.

Trust

Haven't posted in FOREVER! But here are my thoughts in this moment...

Sometimes I get ahead of myself. I jump into things with out considering God’s will and in those moments he teaches me the biggest lessons.

Do you ever think in our culture, this world full of media with instant satisfaction and gratification guaranteed and this quick paced atmosphere that we forget to just listen? Sometimes I wonder if God is screaming my name and I’m just being too ignorant to even flinch at what he may have to say.

Sometimes I wonder if I ignore God because I know that His will is different from the things I want. That sucks sometimes. Choosing God over the desires you have in life that you want NOW.

You may be thinking, ‘wow, that’s bold to say about God’. And maybe it is. But I think we all have these times when question if God really does know best and all we want to do is just press a few red buttons. But that’s not what we’re called to do as followers of Christ.

I’ve been referring to Proverbs 3:5-6 all year… I guess you could say that it’s been my theme for the time being…

“Trust in the Lord with All your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your way acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”

… this has been important partly because I am about to graduate and I have had no clue what God has wanted to do with my life and there is comfort in knowing that if I place my trust in Him, my path will be straight. Jesus talks about this too in the Beatitudes,

“But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

I think we all think we can make decisions on our own without consulting our God who is all-powerful and all knowing. It’s almost as if we consider ourselves gods that are capable of changing things by ourselves. Let me remind you in case you forgot, you’re not the center of the universe… I forget this too L

I guess what I’m trying to say though, is that I hope I can acknowledge God in every moment of life and seek to bring His Kingdom to earth and be righteous. I worry sometimes though, that I am quick to ignore his call and be stagnant… I pray that he will always continue that challenge me and help me be who I am called to be in every moment of life.

Pursued

I deserve to be pursued.

If you’re like me then you will understand the art of useless chasing. What do I mean by this?

Since I can remember I have always had crushes on boys that don’t like me back. This isn’t a “woe is me” moment, its just a fact.

Have you ever noticed that when people talk about girls liking boys they say that they “chase” after them, but when they talk about boys liking girls, then its they “pursue” them. I chased boys, uselessly.

I remember when I was a freshman in high school I fell in love with this boy, he was a sophomore and he was the lead in the play. He was so dreamy and had no idea who I was. I remember figuring out his class schedule and taking the long way to class just to walk passed him, to get a glimpse. I had this whole dream that one day he was going to just see me and notice my breath-taking beauty.

That never happened and I’m still not sure if he knows who I am… we are facebook friends though, so maybe there’s still hope ;)

The point of me saying all this is because for as long as I can remember I have done all the chasing. Once I’ve decided that I liked someone I would do everything in my power to be in the room with that person, to talk to that person, to share every piece of my soul with that person.

I was talking to my best friend today and she said in her simple words, “Kait, you deserve to be pursued”. After finishing our conversation, I sat on those words for while. I deserve to be pursued? What does being pursued even mean?

Then I realized that I’ve been so hung up on all my stupid little crushes that I haven’t even taken the time to just slow down, smell the roses, and see what comes my way. I haven’t let myself be pursued… even though really, I don’t think I have been… but maybe I’ve been completely blind to it too.

I think a lot of girls think they need to keep moving, to keep being what they think guys want and need. I know I feel that way sometimes, but really, I think we just need to chill out and grow comfortable with ourselves and our relationship with Christ.

When I was talking to my friend, she also mentioned that God is preparing us to be our best in him. Right now, I don’t think I am my best in him. I want who ever ends up pursuing me to pursue me because I am closer to being best in Christ, not because he sees an idea of what I can be.

Another thing is that I’m already pursued by the most important pursuer, and that is Jesus Christ. The thing I need to do now, is accept his pursuing and find joy and delight in Him. I don’t think I can enter into anything while I’m avoiding God or distracted from him.

So I guess the thing I need above all is to continue to ask God to pursue me, to encompass me with His love, and to fill me with His joy.

There is contentment and peace in Christ.

"All By Myself"

Do you remember those moments when you were a little kid and you would try to get dressed in the morning? Then your mom comes into the room and tries to help you, but you tug away and yell, “No Mom, I can do it all by myself!” She then gently backs off and lets you struggle through it. This leads to a tangled mess where your left arm is in the head of your shirt and your head is stuck in a sleeve, and now you can’t see anything. After much consternation and frustration you give into your pride and yell again, but not the way you did a few moments before. It’s a plea, “MOOOOOMMMMM, I’m stuck!”

Mom then comes into the room and graciously, without saying a word, helps you put your clothes on.

I think that my relationship with God is a lot like this. I tend to think I know how to do things and I start doing them on my own, thinking that I don’t need God. And then I get tangled in my clothes and I’m pleading for God to get me out!

The beauty of this is that God never leaves us. I wrote half a song about 2 years ago that I have yet to finish, but here are a few lyrics that I constantly try to sing in my head…

I’m gone again

running from your presence

I’m gone again

but your present in my absence

Cuz you love me still

when I’ve gone against your will

when I’ve spit upon your face

you still cover me with grace

you love me still

Take it or leave it… those may be super cheesy lyrics, but they’re a good reminder for me that while I may be wanting to do things “all by myself,” God pursues me. He loves me still, and in the end, I’m able to surrender myself to Him because of His never-ending love.

I know that it’s not really that easy. Sometimes giving into God is like pulling teeth, or much worse. The Fray has a song called "All at Once" and one of the lines is "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same". Its kind of like its easier to just pass God off and not care about what's right and wrong. But "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same". 


I don't think being a Christian means life is going to be breezy.
Sometimes God’s will isn’t what we want in life. It’s not that God doesn’t want us to be happy; it’s just that he knows what’s best for us. Sometimes we need the trials to become who God has called us to be. Just like when we were little kids our moms wanted us to be well dressed, God wants us to be well dressed, but for greater things... To further his kingdom on earth!

And yet, God still lets us make our own decisions. Isn’t that cool?!? He is a loving and trusting God!

So next time you think to yourself, “I’m going to do this all by myself!” Think again my friend, you’re not, you’re going to do it with God, even if you don’t know it yet!

It's A Wonderful Life? I Think So...

So it’s been a while since I’ve blogged lately... I just haven’t had much to say these last few weeks, until now of course.

Last night was Christmas Eve, and our family tradition is to always watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” in our PJ’s, while we drink wassail and eat snacks. It’s probably one of my favorite moments over the Christmas holiday.

While I was watching the movie though, I couldn’t help but relate to the character of George Bailey. He’s the protagonist who, by three-quarters of the movie, comes to think and believe that He is a failure and is insignificant… so he comes to the conclusion that he wishes he’d never been born.

I wouldn’t go so far to say or think those things. He went a bit extreme and fairly quickly if you ask me. But I think we all have those moments when we really wonder if we really are leaving some kind of imprint on the world. Do people really care about us, are we missed when we’re not around, do we actually make a difference? And then sometimes we come to the conclusion, “no”.

Now I know this isn’t true, but these thoughts creep into our minds sometimes, consuming every part of us. Do we matter? Of course we do! Somehow we do. I’m not sure.

But here’s the thing, none of these thoughts really do us any good. I find that when I get into these ruts of doubting my worth, I start throwing pity parties for myself and no one really wants to be my friend then. It’s a dangerous cycle that does no one any good.

Take George Bailey for instance. When he makes this conclusion about not being worth anyone’s time, he takes it out on the people he cares for most, stemming them to be extremely worried for him and stressed out. In the end of the movie when his guardian angel Clarence convinces him that he is important, he is able to celebrate along with his family and friends.

I don’t want to say that its quite that black and white (no pun intended… but it kind of was, wasn’t it, otherwise I wouldn’t have said that ;)… Our minds our complicated places and other people are complicated too. It’s hard to really feel valued in our very self-involved culture. But don’t you think that if you try to show love to others, maybe they can pass it on and then maybe we can all somehow, slowly, overcome this self-doubt we have.

Even if we don’t make a visible difference, we can take pride in the fact that we tried to brighten someone’s day in a small way.

I don’t know, does any of this make sense? or am I just rambling about some mumbo-jumbo.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you want to feel fulfilled, choose love above all. If you consider yourself a follower of Christ, you know that this is what God has called us to do; it is a way that we can continue to bring Heaven to earth.

Merry Christmas everyone!

The Joy I Have To Give

When I asked my parents why they named me Kaitlyn, they said it was because they liked it. I was so disappointed at their answer because I wanted my name to be something different, out of the box. If you didn’t know, Kaitlyn is one of the most common names in my generation. But after looking up my name on Wikipedia, I found that my name means “Pure”. My middle name is Joy… So my name means “Pure Joy”.

You don’t know how much finding this out moved me. Let me indulge you a little bit…

There was this guy that I knew last year who I don’t think I’ve ever seen smile. Every time I would see him, he would just be so dreary and say something in a dry tone, like “this day sucks”. When I meet people like this, I seriously wonder if they know the love of Christ.

I don’t want to say that you can’t be sad if you are a Christian, in fact, I think in our sadness we can be brought closer to God. But the way this guy lived his life, it was like there was no hope. Everything was dark and gloomy, and there was always something bad going on in the world. I ended up making it my goal to get him to smile. I would be so sweet to him, always complimenting his clothes or noticing if he got a haircut. Eventually, one day he said one thing to me… “Kait, I like your hair”. I felt like I had conquered the world that day!

When I was in high school I had a job as a waitress at our local diner. I loved that job because grouchy old people came there to eat. I made it my personal mission to put a smile on their face. I got pretty good at it too! I’d joke around with them or tell them a funny story, unless I could tell that they just wanted to be left alone. But really I think everyone needs a little pick-me-up here or there.

Above all, I think everyone needs to know that they are valued and loved. I’m a Christian, and I have a joy and a hope in me that only God can give to me. He completes me in every way I could ever ask for, and because of that, I want to share his love with the world. I want everyone I encounter, to see Christ in me.

That’s why I always make it my goal to make people smile. I don’t always succeed, but if I can brighten someone’s day, then I’m following my purpose on this earth.

For the longest time, I thought my identity was in what I did, which was sing… I was a singer. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown to realize that “Singer” doesn’t even come close to what my purpose in life is. In fact, I don’t even know if music is going to be something that I will be doing much longer. What I do know is that my sole purpose and identity is “Disciple of Jesus Christ”. As long as I’m pursuing that, then I am fulfilling my part in bringing the Kingdom here to earth.

At the end of the day, I want to share the Pure Joy that I have, and give it to others.

Its amazing how, without knowing, I’ve started to fall into the identity of my name. Isn’t God cool?!? So the gift I have to offer is whatever joy I can give to others.