Scars

We all have scars. I’m not talking about the visible ones, although, I’ve got a really cool scar on my tongue from a car accident that happened when I was five. But that’s beside the point.

Girls are mean. I’m guilty of that all of the time, so lets not think that I am an innocent little dove here. But I remember so many moments that have, in some ways, made me over-analyze and distrust my current friendships way too much.

I don’t really remember too many specifics from my elementary and middle-school years, but I remember the one girl who was the bane of my existence. Lets call this girl Stacie. It started in 3^rd grade when we each wanted to have the same best friend. We’ll call our “best friend,” Abby. The problem we had was that Stacie and I hated each other and poor Abby had to choose. Eventually Abby chose Stacie, and I was alone. As middle-school came into play, Stacie would go on to tell me how terrible of a person I was and how I had so many things wrong with me. She went on to spread the word to anyone who would listen... this resulted in several girls tell me that I was not fun to be around. In their defense, I wasn’t fun to be around. I cried all the time; I was loud, spastic, annoying, bossy and very opinionated. I wouldn’t like me either.

When I got to high school I thought that my life would change and that I would finally be able to make friends that would actually like me. That did happen and I can honestly say that my closest relationships are with my high school friends, but I didn’t go through high school unscathed.

Let me take you to my sophomore year. I had made our elite show choir (which is a big deal for a sophomore) and we were giving a performance in chapel one morning. I went to a Christian school, so there was a dress code that we had to follow, which meant that girls weren’t allowed to show their midriff. Unfortunately for me, I had a costume malfunction during one of the numbers and my stomach was showing just a little bit. During lunch that day a guy in my class made a petition for students to sign for me to get a zero-hour (detention). Lets just say that several people signed it. With that said though, my best friend was pissed (sorry for the language, but it’s really the best way to describe her fury), and she walked right up to the guy who started the petition, ripped it from his hands, and said something that I cannot repeat. So while that moment was one of the more scarring moments of my high school career, it was also the most touching. I had a friend that stood up for me!

But lets not think about my best friend for a moment and think about where these memories that are etched in my mind have gotten me now.

I don’t like to blame other people for my problems, because I believe that ultimately, we are responsible for ourselves. But there is a part of me that wonders if the hurts I faced as an adolescent have affected the way I approach the world today. This is what I think:

I have this problem; I don’t trust people. I don’t mean it in a way where I can’t share anything with people, heck, I’m sharing my thoughts with random strangers who are reading this blog. It’s more that I don’t trust people to like me. I’ve found that I always apologize for myself, regardless of what I’ve done or if I’ve done anything at all. I automatically assume that people would prefer to do something else than hang out with me. I wonder if I’m inconveniencing them by being in their presence. I worry so much about what other people prefer or want or need and if I’m in the way of their happiness, I don’t want to intrude. I have to work so hard to convince myself that I actually am an enjoyable person with value.

With that said, surprisingly enough, I’m thankful for the challenges, and I’m thankful that God let me to be one of the kids that was subject to teasing. I think it’s made me stronger and has softened me in a way that I can accept so many people. Because of my shallow school trials, I’m able to really ask the question; “what makes you, you?” and mean it.

Everyone has gone through some form of trial, whether its big or small, and we all carry these scars with us that have helped shape us into who we are today and who we will become.

I think I’ve come the realization though, that now is not the time to hold on to the past. Now I’m responsible to move forward, realize that I’m great in my own way, and love myself. Then I can love others the way they need to be loved. That’s probably a lot harder said than done, but I’ve gotta start somewhere.

Anyway spread the love people! I really do love you oh so much!