"All By Myself"

Do you remember those moments when you were a little kid and you would try to get dressed in the morning? Then your mom comes into the room and tries to help you, but you tug away and yell, “No Mom, I can do it all by myself!” She then gently backs off and lets you struggle through it. This leads to a tangled mess where your left arm is in the head of your shirt and your head is stuck in a sleeve, and now you can’t see anything. After much consternation and frustration you give into your pride and yell again, but not the way you did a few moments before. It’s a plea, “MOOOOOMMMMM, I’m stuck!”

Mom then comes into the room and graciously, without saying a word, helps you put your clothes on.

I think that my relationship with God is a lot like this. I tend to think I know how to do things and I start doing them on my own, thinking that I don’t need God. And then I get tangled in my clothes and I’m pleading for God to get me out!

The beauty of this is that God never leaves us. I wrote half a song about 2 years ago that I have yet to finish, but here are a few lyrics that I constantly try to sing in my head…

I’m gone again

running from your presence

I’m gone again

but your present in my absence

Cuz you love me still

when I’ve gone against your will

when I’ve spit upon your face

you still cover me with grace

you love me still

Take it or leave it… those may be super cheesy lyrics, but they’re a good reminder for me that while I may be wanting to do things “all by myself,” God pursues me. He loves me still, and in the end, I’m able to surrender myself to Him because of His never-ending love.

I know that it’s not really that easy. Sometimes giving into God is like pulling teeth, or much worse. The Fray has a song called "All at Once" and one of the lines is "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same". Its kind of like its easier to just pass God off and not care about what's right and wrong. But "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same". 


I don't think being a Christian means life is going to be breezy.
Sometimes God’s will isn’t what we want in life. It’s not that God doesn’t want us to be happy; it’s just that he knows what’s best for us. Sometimes we need the trials to become who God has called us to be. Just like when we were little kids our moms wanted us to be well dressed, God wants us to be well dressed, but for greater things... To further his kingdom on earth!

And yet, God still lets us make our own decisions. Isn’t that cool?!? He is a loving and trusting God!

So next time you think to yourself, “I’m going to do this all by myself!” Think again my friend, you’re not, you’re going to do it with God, even if you don’t know it yet!

It's A Wonderful Life? I Think So...

So it’s been a while since I’ve blogged lately... I just haven’t had much to say these last few weeks, until now of course.

Last night was Christmas Eve, and our family tradition is to always watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” in our PJ’s, while we drink wassail and eat snacks. It’s probably one of my favorite moments over the Christmas holiday.

While I was watching the movie though, I couldn’t help but relate to the character of George Bailey. He’s the protagonist who, by three-quarters of the movie, comes to think and believe that He is a failure and is insignificant… so he comes to the conclusion that he wishes he’d never been born.

I wouldn’t go so far to say or think those things. He went a bit extreme and fairly quickly if you ask me. But I think we all have those moments when we really wonder if we really are leaving some kind of imprint on the world. Do people really care about us, are we missed when we’re not around, do we actually make a difference? And then sometimes we come to the conclusion, “no”.

Now I know this isn’t true, but these thoughts creep into our minds sometimes, consuming every part of us. Do we matter? Of course we do! Somehow we do. I’m not sure.

But here’s the thing, none of these thoughts really do us any good. I find that when I get into these ruts of doubting my worth, I start throwing pity parties for myself and no one really wants to be my friend then. It’s a dangerous cycle that does no one any good.

Take George Bailey for instance. When he makes this conclusion about not being worth anyone’s time, he takes it out on the people he cares for most, stemming them to be extremely worried for him and stressed out. In the end of the movie when his guardian angel Clarence convinces him that he is important, he is able to celebrate along with his family and friends.

I don’t want to say that its quite that black and white (no pun intended… but it kind of was, wasn’t it, otherwise I wouldn’t have said that ;)… Our minds our complicated places and other people are complicated too. It’s hard to really feel valued in our very self-involved culture. But don’t you think that if you try to show love to others, maybe they can pass it on and then maybe we can all somehow, slowly, overcome this self-doubt we have.

Even if we don’t make a visible difference, we can take pride in the fact that we tried to brighten someone’s day in a small way.

I don’t know, does any of this make sense? or am I just rambling about some mumbo-jumbo.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you want to feel fulfilled, choose love above all. If you consider yourself a follower of Christ, you know that this is what God has called us to do; it is a way that we can continue to bring Heaven to earth.

Merry Christmas everyone!

The Joy I Have To Give

When I asked my parents why they named me Kaitlyn, they said it was because they liked it. I was so disappointed at their answer because I wanted my name to be something different, out of the box. If you didn’t know, Kaitlyn is one of the most common names in my generation. But after looking up my name on Wikipedia, I found that my name means “Pure”. My middle name is Joy… So my name means “Pure Joy”.

You don’t know how much finding this out moved me. Let me indulge you a little bit…

There was this guy that I knew last year who I don’t think I’ve ever seen smile. Every time I would see him, he would just be so dreary and say something in a dry tone, like “this day sucks”. When I meet people like this, I seriously wonder if they know the love of Christ.

I don’t want to say that you can’t be sad if you are a Christian, in fact, I think in our sadness we can be brought closer to God. But the way this guy lived his life, it was like there was no hope. Everything was dark and gloomy, and there was always something bad going on in the world. I ended up making it my goal to get him to smile. I would be so sweet to him, always complimenting his clothes or noticing if he got a haircut. Eventually, one day he said one thing to me… “Kait, I like your hair”. I felt like I had conquered the world that day!

When I was in high school I had a job as a waitress at our local diner. I loved that job because grouchy old people came there to eat. I made it my personal mission to put a smile on their face. I got pretty good at it too! I’d joke around with them or tell them a funny story, unless I could tell that they just wanted to be left alone. But really I think everyone needs a little pick-me-up here or there.

Above all, I think everyone needs to know that they are valued and loved. I’m a Christian, and I have a joy and a hope in me that only God can give to me. He completes me in every way I could ever ask for, and because of that, I want to share his love with the world. I want everyone I encounter, to see Christ in me.

That’s why I always make it my goal to make people smile. I don’t always succeed, but if I can brighten someone’s day, then I’m following my purpose on this earth.

For the longest time, I thought my identity was in what I did, which was sing… I was a singer. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown to realize that “Singer” doesn’t even come close to what my purpose in life is. In fact, I don’t even know if music is going to be something that I will be doing much longer. What I do know is that my sole purpose and identity is “Disciple of Jesus Christ”. As long as I’m pursuing that, then I am fulfilling my part in bringing the Kingdom here to earth.

At the end of the day, I want to share the Pure Joy that I have, and give it to others.

Its amazing how, without knowing, I’ve started to fall into the identity of my name. Isn’t God cool?!? So the gift I have to offer is whatever joy I can give to others. 

Grumpy Gills

A few weeks ago I realized that I complain a lot. I’m not talking about little comments here or there, I mean the kind of complaining where every word that comes out of my mouth is a negative thought. No one really confronted me about the attitude I had but I could tell that I was getting on a lot of peoples nerves. So one day, I decided no more. 

On my facebook page I started a count down to Thanksgiving, and everyday I’m posting something I’m thankful for. Its had quite a good effect. It really makes me think about all the good things going on in my life these days, and there are a lot of good things. I’m just realizing more and more, how much complaining really affects my mood and the moods of others around me.

And lets be honest with ourselves, who actually wants to hear someone complain about the world… No one. I mean there are the occasional ventings we need to discuss. But really other than that, people just don’t care about the negatives.

There’s this girl in one of my classes. She’s the reason why I decided I needed to change. Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever met a more stressful person. I don’t think she’s ever had a good thing to say about anything. She normally tells the world how stressed she is with school and how no one else understands her situation. I seriously laugh when she says this, because she’s saying it to a room full of college students who are music majors (music majors are considered to be one of the busiest majors in the collegiate world).

Empathy is one of my strengths (according to the strengths finder test), so you would think that I would totally feel for this girl. But the thing is that she just wants the world to feel sorry for her, and the truth is, complaining makes people more apathetic than anything else. This is why I know I need to just buck up and get over my little pet peeves and complaints about stupid things, because that doesn’t bring joy to people.

I’m a joyful person when you first meet me, but when you finally sit down and have an actual conversation with me, you figure out that I lack a lot of joy in some areas. I don’t ever want to be fake, but I think as a follower of Christ I’m supposed to do whatever I’m doing with Joy, even if its something I hate.

So in with the joyful happy Kait and out with the annoying grumpy gills Kait… this is going to be fun…

much love to all!

Inspired

I go to a school that has some of the most talented individuals in the world. You may think I’m joking, but I’m not. I’m a singer and I go to school for music. Before college, I thought I was God’s gift to man… I don’t think that anymore. Lets talk about this for a moment.

A few days ago I was honored and blessed to see my friend Kristen Wright perform a song she had written called “Quitter”. In all my years of college, and maybe even life for that matter, I don’t think I’ve ever been so moved by a song and performance.

Chris Martin (lead singer of Coldplay) said in an interview recently, that when he heard Adele’s song “Someone Like You” he was pissed because he didn’t write it. That’s kind of how I feel about Kristen’s song… Seriously, it is AMAZING and anyone who is a songwriter would feel the same way. Kristen is an inspiration, a prophet in her own right, and God has blessed her with an incredible journey to be able to write a song that has and will touch so many people!

I think of other friends that I have. Erin Berry, who is so stylish and laid back you just want to chill out with her while she sings to you, she grooves like no one else I know. Ariel McFall rocks singing classically and commercially, she has the voice of an angel. Matt Wright, who is so poetic with words and music, he brings you to tears, (the good kind) and lifts your spirit. Leslie Eiler who is such a rocker, she makes you want to rock with her. Chris Rayis, who plays musical theatre tunes like no body’s business and will write a Tony award winning musical for sure! Jordan Wright, who is so believable as a performer that you lose yourself in the song that he’s singing and forget who you are in that moment.

I could go on and on about all the talent I get to witness everyday. I am seriously the luckiest person in the world and I bless God for the inspiration that I receive from my talented friends.

Thank you again for taking the time to read this! You are a blessing to me!

Scars

We all have scars. I’m not talking about the visible ones, although, I’ve got a really cool scar on my tongue from a car accident that happened when I was five. But that’s beside the point.

Girls are mean. I’m guilty of that all of the time, so lets not think that I am an innocent little dove here. But I remember so many moments that have, in some ways, made me over-analyze and distrust my current friendships way too much.

I don’t really remember too many specifics from my elementary and middle-school years, but I remember the one girl who was the bane of my existence. Lets call this girl Stacie. It started in 3^rd grade when we each wanted to have the same best friend. We’ll call our “best friend,” Abby. The problem we had was that Stacie and I hated each other and poor Abby had to choose. Eventually Abby chose Stacie, and I was alone. As middle-school came into play, Stacie would go on to tell me how terrible of a person I was and how I had so many things wrong with me. She went on to spread the word to anyone who would listen... this resulted in several girls tell me that I was not fun to be around. In their defense, I wasn’t fun to be around. I cried all the time; I was loud, spastic, annoying, bossy and very opinionated. I wouldn’t like me either.

When I got to high school I thought that my life would change and that I would finally be able to make friends that would actually like me. That did happen and I can honestly say that my closest relationships are with my high school friends, but I didn’t go through high school unscathed.

Let me take you to my sophomore year. I had made our elite show choir (which is a big deal for a sophomore) and we were giving a performance in chapel one morning. I went to a Christian school, so there was a dress code that we had to follow, which meant that girls weren’t allowed to show their midriff. Unfortunately for me, I had a costume malfunction during one of the numbers and my stomach was showing just a little bit. During lunch that day a guy in my class made a petition for students to sign for me to get a zero-hour (detention). Lets just say that several people signed it. With that said though, my best friend was pissed (sorry for the language, but it’s really the best way to describe her fury), and she walked right up to the guy who started the petition, ripped it from his hands, and said something that I cannot repeat. So while that moment was one of the more scarring moments of my high school career, it was also the most touching. I had a friend that stood up for me!

But lets not think about my best friend for a moment and think about where these memories that are etched in my mind have gotten me now.

I don’t like to blame other people for my problems, because I believe that ultimately, we are responsible for ourselves. But there is a part of me that wonders if the hurts I faced as an adolescent have affected the way I approach the world today. This is what I think:

I have this problem; I don’t trust people. I don’t mean it in a way where I can’t share anything with people, heck, I’m sharing my thoughts with random strangers who are reading this blog. It’s more that I don’t trust people to like me. I’ve found that I always apologize for myself, regardless of what I’ve done or if I’ve done anything at all. I automatically assume that people would prefer to do something else than hang out with me. I wonder if I’m inconveniencing them by being in their presence. I worry so much about what other people prefer or want or need and if I’m in the way of their happiness, I don’t want to intrude. I have to work so hard to convince myself that I actually am an enjoyable person with value.

With that said, surprisingly enough, I’m thankful for the challenges, and I’m thankful that God let me to be one of the kids that was subject to teasing. I think it’s made me stronger and has softened me in a way that I can accept so many people. Because of my shallow school trials, I’m able to really ask the question; “what makes you, you?” and mean it.

Everyone has gone through some form of trial, whether its big or small, and we all carry these scars with us that have helped shape us into who we are today and who we will become.

I think I’ve come the realization though, that now is not the time to hold on to the past. Now I’m responsible to move forward, realize that I’m great in my own way, and love myself. Then I can love others the way they need to be loved. That’s probably a lot harder said than done, but I’ve gotta start somewhere.

Anyway spread the love people! I really do love you oh so much!

Wannabe Witty Tweeter

I’d like to think that I’m witty and intelligent, but really I’m not. I got a twitter account a few weeks ago. This is mainly because a friend of mine told me that some of the things I say are utterly ridiculous. The problem is I don’t know what those things are!

So here sits this little twitter account. I refuse to be the person that tweets every five minutes about the happenings in my life, but I don’t want to be the person that doesn’t tweet at all. I gotta keep my fans updated! (I really don’t have fans, I’d just like to think that) So what do I tweet about?!?

I was talking to a friend the other day about the difference between Facebook and Twitter. I’ve decided this; Facebook is an opportunity for people to see what’s happening in my daily life (self-centered, I know). They can see that a few weeks ago, I went to a Ben Rector concert and was chilling in my hometown for a weekend. Twitter, is what I like to call a commentary on life. So my twitter is going to say something like this, “The difference b/t food and drink is that you get sick of eating the same food everyday but drinks get better the more you have them #ilovedrpepper”. It’s just a simple commentary.

The other thing I feel is that on Facebook, its totally cool to get religious. I mean, I am religious, and if I feel like I need to share a Bible verse or song, I put it as my status. But not with Twitter. That’s just crossing the line! Okay, I’m not sure about that. But I get this sense that Twitter is the place where I’m supposed to be funny and light-hearted and kind of shallow. I make it my goal on Twitter to make people laugh. I don’t know, is that reasonable, or is that totally a crazy thought?

That’s why Twitter is so much of a struggle for me. Because when it comes down to it, I have the hardest time thinking of witty things to say!

Truth be told, I’m a very serious person and I take myself extremely seriously. So when it comes to saying something on Twitter, I stress and wonder if it was something worth saying. I have a friend on Twitter, her name is Laura, and every time she tweets I literally have to put my hand on my mouth to keep myself from bursting out loud with laughter. I want to be that twitterer. Where everything I say makes someone laugh out loud. But alas, I am just a serious person trying to be funny. Maybe someday my dream of being a comedian will come true, but for now, I am just a wannabe hilarious tweeter. And I guess I’m okay with that.

Much love to anyone who takes the time to read this! 

Single and I think I like it?!?

I am 22 years old. I’m nothing special. I don’t mean that in a “I have no confidence” way, If anything, I have too much confidence. I mean it more in the “I’m not that complex”. I’m easy to read, quick to speak, opinionated, loud, overrated by some, underrated by others, and just, Me. I don’t know. How would you describe yourself?

I’ve been told that we are our own worst critics. That is probably one of the most underrated statements EVER! We remember all of the negative things. (remember this for later)

I’ve been single for 21 years and 11 months, give or take. Don’t worry, I’m not counting or anything. But that’s not the point. I’ve only been asked out on a few dates, and every time I’ve gotten asked out, a panic invades my mind. It’s not the date that really scares me. It’s if the date goes well. If the date is successful, then that means I’ll have to go on another date, and then another, and so on. But the fear that I have is if I fall for this guy and he gets to know me, finds out all of my quirks, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Then one day he decides that he doesn’t like them. What a scary thing, creating my world around someone and then being told, “sorry, I don’t want to be your world”. That’s a huge identity crisis I just don’t feel like going through. So, I’m scared of love. The deep, real, messy, dirty, guy knows that I fart love.

So far, none of the dates I’ve been on have gone well enough for me to fall. So my heart has never been broken by anyone other than myself.

You may laugh at that statement, you’re probably thinking “you can break your own heart?” Why yes you can.

Let me explain. Girls are creatures of mass destruction. They meet a guy and have one good conversation with him. That’s where it all goes downhill. After the initial encounter, then they obsess their thoughts over this guy. They create the perfect man who will solve all of their problems and make them into this perfect little princess. Sadly, I’ve been guilty of this quite a bit. This is the part where the heart gets torn to pieces, ripped to shreds, and stomped on the ground. He doesn’t like her back. This isn’t the guy’s fault. I mean, he thinks she’s cool and all, but he sees her as a friend, nothing more.

This is how a girl breaks her own heart. She doesn’t understand why this guy doesn’t like her. I mean, she is so great (really she is), but he’s not responding to anything. Then she beats herself up, thinking how awful of a person she is and how since this one person doesn’t like her, no one ever will. The product we get… A girl with a broken heart.

Lets recap this: Girl meets guy + girl creates falsified idea of guy + guy likes girl as just friend + girl doesn’t get why guy doesn’t like her + girl hates herself = girl with broken heart.

This broken heart probably isn’t nearly as bad as what an actual break-up is… I wouldn’t know, I’ve never experienced one. But I’ll tell you what, it still sucks. I’m sure countless girls can attest to this. How many nights have we spent asking ourselves the question, “What’s wrong with me” or “what is it that guys don’t like about me.” We start second guessing all of the beautiful things that have made us who we are.

This is where the negative things come into play. Girls over-analyze everything. One half-negative thing is said and all of a sudden our world is shattered. Why do you think there are so many girls who lack so much confidence? Regardless of if people intend to be mean or not, the simplest words cut like a knife to the heart. We remember negative before even considering the positive.

But alas people, this has got to stop! Let me remind you of what I need to be reminded of every single day.

God made each and everyone of us beautiful. Yes we have faults that annoy the crap out of people, and yes, we fall short of God’s glory all the time. But with that said, comes the fact that we all have so much good to offer to this world and God knows where we need to be, when we need to be there, and who we need to be with, and who needs to be with us. I think that in all of my 22 short years (this means I’m not that wise, but think I know everything), I’ve never really considered this. It makes it a lot easier to wait now, doesn’t it? I mean there are still bad days, but it makes me have a lot more good days.

So hold your head up! You rock and if you know that, then everyone else will too!

That’s all I’ve got for now… hopefully my thoughts aren’t too all over the place! I wish whoever reads this many blessings and I hope you know that you are loved!

P.S. Be encouraged by this: "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment... Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight" 1 Peter 3: 3-4